By Zach Polis<\/strong><\/p>\n Author\u2019s note: It\u2019s not always clear how to navigate a pandemic. Especially when you\u2019re in one. Through consultation with artists, a set of useful instructions has been devised for your benefit. Please note you may confidently play out the rest of the pandemic with these bankable tips.<\/p>\n CATFISHED<\/strong> Brush away the loose shavings. \u2014\u2014<\/p>\n You call for help, but no one answers.<\/p>\n You feel a presence.<\/p>\n The Ghost This house was never It was always an MTV crib CREATIVE PEP TALK<\/strong> Bike around as few cars as possible. Sometimes life gives us second shots. BE THE ONE IN THE CAR These days, These days, If you do not have a driver\u2019s license, Watercolours are your thing now. These days, WITH SUPREME CONFIDENCE, BECAUSE YOU ARE A DREAMER\u2026 THE VACUUM ORB<\/strong> High Fantasy is your only escape. MEDITATION FOR PLACES AND THINGS<\/strong> Home gets away from you. Your gaze will become fixed.<\/p>\n Is this a psychic investigation Is this a meditation UNCLOSED TABS<\/strong> Screenshot all your unclosed tabs. You will remember the way Next week, this open tab You need those tabs. You do not need those tabs.<\/p>\n Clear your tabs.<\/p>\n We are always changing \u2014 Open yourself THE COMPLETE PEANUTS<\/strong> Ignore the Instagram algorithms. 26 volumes! Sale: digital only.<\/p>\n You know there is a better way.<\/p>\n Dust off all Stack the yellow newspapers That\u2019s how you read a Peanuts strip!<\/p>\n Anything less is pedestrian consumerism.<\/p>\n TRAGIC POTATO BACKSTORY<\/strong> Lose your potato peeler. SCI-FI BLENDER<\/strong> It\u2019s the near future. You are an ARBORIST Despite the GREAT FLOODS You know the raccoons are dangerous, You are trying to solve a mystery.<\/p>\n A beacon flashes.<\/p>\n Your sister.<\/p>\n \u2026On the other side of the city?<\/p>\n The commute will be dangerous.<\/p>\n The Age of Tech is over. The Mycorrhizal Network is gaining power.<\/p>\n Will you brave the deadly sentient fungi, <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"Follow These Instructions By Zach Polis Author\u2019s note: It\u2019s not always clear how to navigate a pandemic. Especially when you\u2019re in one. Through consultation with artists, a set of useful instructions has been devised for your benefit. Please note you may confidently play out the rest of the pandemic with these bankable tips. CATFISHED (For… View Article<\/a>","protected":false},"featured_media":3947,"template":"","snapline-issues":[85],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/snapartists.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/snapline\/3946"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/snapartists.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/snapline"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/snapartists.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/snapline"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/snapartists.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3947"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/snapartists.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3946"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"snapline-issues","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/snapartists.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/snapline-issues?post=3946"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
\n(For Andrew)<\/em><\/p>\n
\nThe ouija board is finished.
\nYour best woodcut yet.
\nAsk it about the late aughts.
\nIt will respond: \u201cJersey Shore.\u201d
\nSoften your mind. Think
\na little less
\npractically for a minute.
\n\u201cOk, what the hell am I going to do today?\u201d
\n\u201cJersey Shore.\u201d
\nGet in a petty argument.
\nYou\u2019re not like that.
\n\u201cJersey Shore.\u201d
\nNo, really stop it.
\n\u201cJersey Shore.\u201d
\nYou\u2019re freaking me out.
\n\u201cJersey Shore.\u201d
\nI SAID STOP!<\/p>\n
\nof Jersey Shore
\nis here.<\/p>\n
\nyours to begin with.<\/p>\n
\nfor a demon.<\/p>\n
\n(For Haylee)<\/em><\/p>\n
\nBE TERRIFIED OF TRAFFIC.
\nWatch Schitt\u2019s Creek from start to finish.
\nAvoid Jasper Ave.
\nWinter is the hardest part.
\nTHE HARDEST PART.
\nThe phrase
\n\u201cTHESE DAYS\u201d by Nico
\nwill come in handy.<\/p>\n
\nIf you have a second shot at winter:
\nBuy a car. And winter boots.<\/p>\n
\nWITH WINTER BOOTS.<\/p>\n
\nstick to people you know.
\nAND YOUR ARCHIVE OF THOUGHTS.<\/p>\n
\nwatercolours are uncomplicated
\nand will set you free.<\/p>\n
\nGET ONE.<\/p>\n
\nDon\u2019t overcomplicate this.
\nForge a fake ID.
\nDO IT. NOW.<\/p>\n
\nyou can make a very convincing
\nvalid driver\u2019s license
\nwith all your watercolours.<\/p>\n
\nKNOW THAT
\nYOU CAN GET ON THE ROAD,<\/p>\n
\n(who drives)
\nWHEREVER THAT DREAM ROAD TAKES YOU.<\/p>\n
\n(For Pauline)<\/em><\/p>\n
\nYou are a queen.
\nWho wins at Mario Party \u2014
\nEVERY TIME.
\nDo not let others
\ncast spells of doubt:
\nSacred Queen of Mini Games
\nis a birthright.
\nUse the Vacuum Orb
\nNOW, NOW, NOW,
\nagainst those closest to you.
\nWhose coins were they
\nreally?<\/p>\n
\n(For Luke)<\/em><\/p>\n
\nDon\u2019t contemplate it.
\nDon\u2019t think about it.
\nYou will become obsessed
\nwith the family china
\nand how it defines you.
\nYou will spend a lifetime
\ntracking down
\nall the porcelain plates
\nin a never-ending quest
\nto become shiny and transparent.<\/p>\n
\nyou really want to take on?<\/p>\n
\nyou will think about
\nfor the rest of your life?<\/p>\n
\n(For Morgan)<\/em><\/p>\n
\nRecite it like a map.
\nIt will be impossible to get lost
\nin the bamboo forest.
\nYour path is a gentle wind now.<\/p>\n
\nto IMDb
\nand the cast
\nof Crouching Tiger,
\nHidden Dragon.<\/p>\n
\nmight change you.<\/p>\n
\nYou don\u2019t know why.<\/p>\n
\ndirection.<\/p>\n
\nto a field of grass
\nand move like wind
\ntowards endless sky.<\/p>\n
\n(For Sergio)<\/em><\/p>\n
\nForgo any offerings of:
\n\u201cThe Complete Peanuts Comic Sale, up to 50% off!
\nOffer ends today.\u201d<\/p>\n
\nSpanning from 1950 to 2000!
\nAnd that doesn\u2019t count the Sunday strips!<\/p>\n
\nthat is right
\nand musty.<\/p>\n
\nhigh above you \u2014
\nblock off access
\nto your apartment hallway.
\nGet used to the risk
\nof dying by tonnage
\nat any moment.<\/p>\n
\n(For Mindy)<\/em><\/p>\n
\nThe best one. The one with the
\nergonomic grip.
\nYou will come to know:
\nGrief is unshakable.
\nPotatoes will be your heartache.
\nLearn to accept this.<\/p>\n
\n(For Brianna)<\/em><\/p>\n
\nSelf-care is in.
\nFor those who can afford it.
\nThe setting:
\nPOST-APOCALYPTIC TORONTO.
\nThe city is overrun:
\nWITH RACCOONS
\nand an underground network
\nof interlocking root systems.
\nPEACHES, APPLES, KALE
\ngrow wild through the ONCE GREAT,
\nbut now VACATED CITY.<\/p>\n
\nwho refuses to leave \u2014<\/p>\n
\nand TERRIBLE WARMING.<\/p>\n
\nbut they know something you don\u2019t.<\/p>\n
\nEven the Age of Raccoons is fading.<\/p>\n
\nwork collaboratively with the raccoons,
\nand save your sister from impending doom,
\nwhile unlocking the secrets
\nof your arborist past?<\/p>\n